We can all agree that truth is the foundation of trust - my trust of you and your trustworthiness to me. And yet, the truth of one another’s experience, of one thing or the other, can typically be the biggest point of contention and source of conflict. So, let’s talk about why and what can be done with this thing called “truth.”

Let’s begin with the acknowledgment that a good relationship embraces multiple truths. A good relationship is not a competition between two people to determine who’s got it right and who’s got it wrong.

The two of you need to decide to make room for four Truths. That’s right, four of them. Each one is valued, respected, understood, and honored. And, even if they differ in their details, one’s truth factor won’t be diminished over the other’s.

The four Truths are Your Truth, Their Truth, the Common Truth, and The Truth (what is actually true and can never be perceived). Let’s walk through them together.

First, there’s what you heard and experienced. This is everything in a context of understanding unique and specific to you. Everything said by you, heard by you, and what it meant to you. This is Your Truth.

Next, there’s everything that was heard and said by the other person and what it meant to them. This meaning might, perhaps, be different than your own. Their reaction to what you said or did is more about what your words meant to them and how your actions were interpreted by them than about what you actually said or did. This is Their Truth.

So far, we’ve got what you said and its intent, (Your Truth), and what the other heard and its meaning to them (Their Truth). Your Truth and Their Truth, one just as valid as the other.

The third Truth, the Common Truth, comprises all those things you both hold to be true: two plus two is four, the world is round, water is wet. These are things you both believe in common - addresses, phone numbers, quirky things about each other (like a fear of spiders or snakes).

Finally, there is The Truth. Whatever that truth happens to be, please leave it out of your relationship. In a loving relationship, it just isn’t important and it has no relevancy. The Truth belongs in the courtroom so leave your pursuit of The Truth out of your relationship. The Truth doesn’t matter because, beyond being truthful, it serves no purpose. Let it go.

The trust you seek from the other will be more readily given when you hold their truth in compassion and understanding. You gain nothing by trying to prove yourself right and them wrong.

Telling someone that boogey men don’t exist does nothing but make them feel alone in believing what they do. We all simply feel the way that we feel and are free to do so. Having another understand how we’re feeling is the biggest gift we can receive. When we’re understood, we feel like we are heard and assured by the other’s understanding and grateful and warm and close and respected and validated.

Our understanding of another’s truth does not require us to make it our own truth. They can be cold while you’re warm. They can be hungry right after you ate. It’s seventy-two degrees but they’d still appreciate a blanket. You both just shared a sandwich but how thoughtful of them to suggest something more they might enjoy snacking on.

Perhaps the one you love feels hurt or disappointed by something you said or did. It doesn’t mean you intended any harm or injury. If anything, their hurt is a compliment to how important you are to them. We feel the most hurt and disappointment from the words and actions of those we hold in greatest importance to us. See the compliment there? If you weren’t as important as you are, your actions wouldn’t then carry the sweet significance they do. It’s okay for you to be disappointed, too.

“Ellen, thank you. I’m disappointed too that traffic made me late and cut into our time together. I love you!”

Isn’t that better than…

“Why do you have to get so upset? It’s not like I meant to piss you off. This is great! Now the while evening’s going to be messed up. Great!”

Your truth, Their truth, Common truth and The truth. You can choose to defend and justify yourself or simply respect another perspective. The choice you make greatly influences the quality of your most important relationship.

You’ll see, I promise.

Tags: marriage, relationships by Greg
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From the original post:

“Greg wrote a book and, as you might already know. it’s pretty amazing. I read the darn thing probably 6 different times while I was editing and designing the pages and, each time, I picked up something new. I’ve known Greg for almost 15 years and this book still caught me off-guard with the honesty and wisdom contained within it. I think the world would be a better place if everyone read it, no joke.

“But enough about what I think, we want to know what you think. Greg worked very hard to put this little book together and wants to share it with anyone that will listen. As such, we’re releasing the book, one “page” at a time (it’s actually one idea at a time because some ideas are two pages). Every Saturday morning, a new page of the book will be available to download and read, totally free. We want you to take this idea and really think about it over the week. Send it to a family member or a close friend and see what they think. If you like what you read, we’d love it if you bought a copy at Lulu.com (the downloadable version is cheaper for you and we get more of the royalties, FYI). The text of the page will also be posted but I would suggest downloading the PDF version of the page… it just looks really nice!”

Here is the third idea from Finding Your Integrity by Greg McBride:

Download page 3

3.
love

Choose to behave in ways that show care for someone else’s best welfare. Assume that others’ hurtful words and behavior spring out of their fear and pain and not from who they are or who you are.

Tags: Finding Your Integrity, positive change by Greg
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We wanted to get another post from Greg on here for everyone but, if you’ve noticed, we had some major glitches with our host and blog files. We’re back in action and have another Finding Your Integrity page tomorrow and another post next week for sure!

Thanks for sticking with us!

Tags: Uncategorized by Josh
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So, in case you didn’t know, Greg wrote a book!

Greg wrote a book and, as you might already know. it’s pretty amazing. I read the darn thing probably 6 different times while I was editing and designing the pages and, each time, I picked up something new. I’ve known Greg for almost 15 years and this book still caught me off-guard with the honesty and wisdom contained within it. I think the world would be a better place if everyone read it, no joke.

But enough about what I think, we want to know what you think. Greg worked very hard to put this little book together and wants to share it with anyone that will listen. As such, we’re releasing the book, one “page” at a time (it’s actually one idea at a time because some ideas are two pages). Every Saturday morning, a new page of the book will be available to download and read, totally free. We want you to take this idea and really think about it over the week. Send it to a family member or a close friend and see what they think. If you like what you read, we’d love it if you bought a copy at Lulu.com (the downloadable version is cheaper for you and we get more of the royalties, FYI). The text of the page will also be posted but I would suggest downloading the PDF version of the page… it just looks really nice!

To kick it off, here are the first two pages of Finding Your Integrity by Greg McBride:

Download page 1

1.

The four CORNERSTONES of integrity are

Love,

Honesty,

Forgiveness, and

Gratitude.

Having integrity means proactively choosing characteristics that will govern words and behavior. It means choosing actions that, previously, would have been justified by how we felt or by another’s actions.

Download page 2

2.

Showing the four CHARACTERISTICS of integrity means always striving to be

Loving,

Honest,

Forgiving (of yourself and others), and

Grateful

in all that you say and do.

Always means regardless of how you feel. Always means regardless of what someone says
or does.

There you have it, the first two pages of his book! See you next Sunday! By the way, you can download the forward of the book right here.

Tags: Uncategorized by Josh
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Read part one, Personal Empowerment.
Read part two, Personal and the Grown-Up.

Four siblings, each learning what the other knows about power.  His power, her power, and their power and how it relates to the family, society, pharmacology, emotions, school, accomplishments and finances.

Kurt learned that, beyond anger, he really has no power of his own. Power is a commodity, a commodity earned by his achievements and maintained by being the best. He is anxiously driven to earn what others could give because of their pride or withhold because of their disappointment.

The safety Kurt needs comes with the power only others can give. A “golden boy” dangled from the cliff’s edge by the slender thread held by someone’s approval. The expectations of others that provide Kurt the guidelines for how to live his life were the same expectations that threaten his sister, Kathy’s, sense of independence.

As Kurt defines himself by his compliance to others’ expectations, Kathy’s identity is defined, instead, by her opposition to them, opposition to what she fears can suffocate her spirit and take her identity.  Kathy feels power when she feels freedom from what others think she should be or should do. She craves the freedom to be Kathy rather than the comparative shortcomings of being “Kurt’s sister.”  She wants freedom to control others disappointment on her terms instead of feeling controlled by others’ disappointment of her.

Either way, Kurt and Kathy learned that, when the day is done, others hold the power. As Kurt does all that he could to earn it, Kathy does all that she can to avoid or oppose it. As accomplishments help Kurt fill his emptiness, methamphetamines serve to fill hers.  They areboth driven to the next “fix.”  One with money, the other with drugs, each continuing their pursuit of the personal power that eluded them both.

In the meantime, Sara is in her power; she radiates it. She found “the one.” Eric, a 30-year old aspiring musician, had replaced Jeff, an aspiring general studies major at the local community college. Jeff replaced Alex who was an aspiring something-or-other in the world of cellular phone sales.

Anyway, there’s Eric. A nice guy, for the most part.  He has his own car, an old hatchback.  He moved away from home – actually, he was gently kicked out when Mom and Dad sold the family home to down-size to a two-bedroom condo. Eric, coincidentally (or not), shares the youngest child title with Sara.

Eric and Sara found one another and decided to enter into a committed, monogamous, intimate relationship three weeks ago. As soon as Eric gets hired at the club where they like his “people skills” and want him to do promotions, he’s going to buy Sara an engagement ring. Then, they are going to get a place together. After that, Sara is going to help him win custody of his five-year old son who lives with an ex-girlfriend’s mother somewhere. Sara knows some people who work somewhere that can help them locate where this ex-girlfriend’s mom lives.

Sara is happy with Eric and they really love each another.  His ex-girlfriend – not the one he had a baby with, the last one, Alicia – is a real bitch. So is the one he had a baby with, Janice. Eric is a good guy when he’s on his ADD medicine. Otherwise, he’s an asshole, but he doesn’t mean it.

Sara found her power just as Kurt found his and Kathy found hers. Like her older siblings, Sara’s power comes from beyond her. Sara’s power relies on the potential of every relationship she’s ever had.  What it could be, what it might be, what he could do, what we might be, what we will have when we get married. Then, when we have a baby and can be a family together, that’s when we’ll be happy. That’s when every dream of any potential will be realized.

Where does your power come from? Does it come from you or somewhere else?

Tags: Uncategorized, addiction, positive change, relationships, self-improvement by Greg
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Read part one, Personal Empowerment.

Like many of us, Karen took the lessons she learned about her power with her across the threshold of adulthood. At 26, she established herself as a CPA in her father’s accounting practice.

Her brother, Kurt, had graduated cum laude with a law degree from Harvard. At 30, he was now the “golden boy,” next in line to become a partner at a prestigious Washington D.C. law firm. Kurt could feel the power that others awarded him.

He admitted to Karen, however, that, “I feel a lot like one of those porcelain statuettes, something you’d put on the mantle. It’s perfect in every detail, not a speck of dust anywhere on it. But pick it up and turn it upside-down and what do you see? A big hole and a whole lot of empty. That’s me. Everything looks good, but Karen, I feel so empty. Everyone needs me to be this guy I’m not.”

From the time he could remember, the power Kurt felt was the power that his accomplishments delivered to him. Without them, he felt fraudulent and powerless, undeserving of the love and position others professed to him.

Kathy, on the other hand, had been estranged from Kurt, her sister, Karen, and their parents, particularly her mom, for years. If Kathy survived long enough to turn thirty, her birthday party would likely be catered by the next in-patient drug treatment center.

That would be the third one if you included the horse ranch/school/treatment program rolled into one. It had given the family an overdue respite for the seven months she was gone sometime around her mid-teens. The battles between Kathy and her parents were relentless. Kathy had become accustomed to a life of free-floating anxiety; she was always waiting for the next inevitable “it” to happen.

Kurt got through this time by removing himself from the chaos through a demanding schedule of workouts, practices, games, debate team meetings, homework, and the duties involved with being associated student body president. Kurt had made up for the powerlessness he experienced inside the home with a powerful representation of his family’s apparent success to the outside community.

But, no matter how accomplished Kurt’s efforts were, he felt none of the power everyone assumed he had. The closest thing to power Kurt ever felt came from the occasional bursts of anger that would bellow out of the emptiness, an emptiness that contributed to the frustration of his powerlessness. The power that anger offered would be completely extinguished by the sickening pangs of shame that, following Kurt’s achievements, would distract from and compensate for the shame that drove his self-criticism.

Achievement was the drug of choice for Kurt that promised a sense of fulfillment no different than methamphetamine’s promise to Kathy.

No different than what Karen’s bulimia promised her.

No different than the promises of fulfillment that countless short-lived relationships would be to the youngest of the family, Sara.

Tags: children, family, relationships by Greg
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