Greg and I are working on a multi-part series that expands a bit on his last post about marriage. In the meantime, I wanted to share a little bit about myself and how Greg has changed my life in the best way possible.
Greg is a client of mine but, in a way, I am also a client of his. I have known him for over 15 years and he has seen me through some interesting times in my life. To be honest, I’ve really only understood the power and importance of his wisdom recently, though I’ve expereienced it for a long time. Greg’s kind words and intuitive guidance can only ever make sense when you are really in the mindset to accept it and know it for yourself. I think back on the things he has said to me over the years and I have to laugh at my dismissal of what I thought was silly at the time. Oh, if I could know then what I know now…
But it isn’t then, it is now and that’s as good of a time as any to take an honest look at what I’ve learned from Greg and how he has helped me through my own tough times.
“You have no control over how they react.”
I was about 13 or 14 when I had my first (of only a couple) sessions with Greg. At the time, I was having trouble working through an inferiority complex I had developed. Thinking back, it was nothing major and probably something that every teenager goes through but I felt socially inept and picked on.
Greg was easy-going, very friendly, and had a smile you couldn’t help but to trust. I really felt safe in his office and I told him about how I was treated poorly in school and how my parents came down on me kind of hard and how it was difficult to find people that I liked in my classes. In the bright daytime light, Greg listened to me like a friend rather than a superior, and asked me easy questions that made me think about how I was feeling. These are all traits of any great counselor but what he finally said caught me completely off guard.
“You know, Josh, you don’t have any control over other people’s reactions. You mom’s, your dad’s, your teachers… none of them. You only control what you do.”
It was one of those pieces of information that is so important that you forget to think about how obvious it was in the first place.
For the next fifteen years, at strange and sometimes pertinent moments, Greg’s voice would come to me, calmly and casually, and remind me to only ever worry about what I’m doing. I can do things that might have a certain outcome or should garner a particular response but the only responsibility that I am allowed to take is for what I do and how I react.
“Let go of outcome.”
At first glance, this one simply can’t make sense. Why would you want to let go of what will happen? Isn’t that like having no goals? I live my whole life around how it should turn out; how could I possibly let that go?
All of these questions jumped straight into my mind when he first said this to me. I’ve worked in business and science for most of my career life so “outcomes” have been my bread and butter. It made no sense to me - why I would want to lose track of the future.
Eventually, I realized that “letting go of outcomes” simply makes you concentrate on your own actions, just like letting go of the responsibility of other’s reactions. Having goals and working towards them does not require you to maintain anxiety about their fulfillment. The goals you set for yourself are merely guidelines to help you stay on course.
I find myself in the worst rut when I look around and see nothing but progress. Why haven’t I finished my degree yet? Why haven’t I pushed into a 6-figure salary? Why haven’t I bought my first home yet? It’s so easy to forget about the journey when we’re only concerned with the destination.
This is one I still remind myself of everyday.
“Pick someone to love and let them help you be the person you want to be.”
It was probably four years ago when Greg said this to me. I was in a parking lot, depressed and confused, right in the middle of breaking two peoples’ hearts and I felt like the most miserable person on the planet. I didn’t know who to call so I called Greg.
As soon as he said that to me, I felt immediately better. I wasn’t sure why and I wasn’t sure about what to do with what he said but things seemed clearer. I got out of my car with great new information and did what needed to be done.
It wasn’t until the last year or so until I really understood what he was saying to me.
To a certain point, the person that you pick as your partner in life has so much less to do with that other person than it does with yourself. You can pick the “perfect match” for yourself, the most sexually passionate person you’ve ever been with, the one that stimulates every one of your neurons, the one you picture holding your children and holding you hand at a funeral, and STILL end up alone and unhappy at the end of the day.
The person you pick to be with is so much less important than the person you pick to be for yourself. In the end, just about anyone can work with anyone as long as both people put themselves into that relationship.
You might have found your “forever and ever” but it can only be that way is you put yourself into it and, at the same time, let yourself go.
Those are the three biggest lessons I’ve learned from Greg McBride. I still have to practice these everyday and remind myself why they are important. Life gets messy and crazy sometimes and it’s easy to forget the impact of your own actions. Thankfully, I still have Greg around to help me remember.
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Greg is a family and marriage counselor and addiction specialist practicing in Washington. He has over 25 years of experience helping people find themselves and break habits that don't work. For more information about Greg, click the About link above.