"The Burning of the Temple of Forgiveness" by AlmostJaded on Flickr

Last week we approached a word that everyone knows but not everyone completely understand. This week, we’re going to talk about the fourth trait you’ll need for a successful marriage and one that seems to be pretty scarce these days: forgiveness.

First, a question: do you want to be right or do you instead want the gifts that come from trusting your partner and their explicit trust of you?

If you’re at all considering marriage, then there’s no better time than now to polish up on your forgiveness skills.  This means seeking forgiveness and readily giving it too. You’re going to make mistakes, you’re going to say and do things that will be hurtful, disrespectful, dismissive, uncaring, and unsupportive. You’re going to do and say things in frustration, anger, self-centeredness, laziness and forgetfulness. You’re going to make mistakes.  Tons and tons of them,  I promise you that.  Your mistakes will have a cost but what you do with them may have an even greater cost. I have seen hundreds of couples in my office and thousands of individual mistakes. It’s consistently what is done with those mistakes rather than the mistakes themselves that injure and endanger the sacred nature of marital trust.

It is our nature to make mistakes. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn and to grow and to become stronger, better people from all the mistakes we make.  There is, however, the same opportunity to destroy the intimate bond of trust from our response to the very same mistakes.  Blame and shame of ourselves or our partner add a punitive tone to the simplicity of a mistake.  Anger or denial, complete avoidance or emotional and sexual withdrawal, complaining – all of this better serves a relationship’s demise than any mistake ever could. Our partner’s pain doesn’t make us their victimizer.  The pain we feel doesn’t make us a victim either. The pain is as understandable as the mistakes that are made.

“I am so sorry.  What I did and what I said wasn’t okay.  Please forgive me.”

Those words open a doorway to the process of reconciliation. Reconciliation is more protective of the marital trust than caring about protecting ourselves. These are the words that declare the accountability to ownership.  Your words and actions are your own and not at all because of what someone else said or did.  Don’t defend or justify what someone else is seeking forgiveness for.  What you did or said is not who you are.  It’s not representative of who you are to your partner or of how they feel for you.

As we ask our other’s forgiveness we must be prepared to trust in their forgiveness in us, in our “forgiveability.”  If we cannot understand - and in that understanding forgive ourselves – how, then, can our partner ever trust in any forgiveness we claim to give them?

We forgive our most endeared because our forgiveness counts most.  Our spouse relies on us to best understand and, in that understanding, best know them.  Our forgiveness affirms that knowing.

“I forgive what you did and said. I know you well enough to know that what you did isn’t who you are.  That what you said, in the way you said it, doesn’t reflect how much I trust you.  Of course I forgive you.”

A good marriage is a safe place to make mistakes.  If you’re ready for marriage then you must feel prepared to create and maintain an environment of safety.  Your children will one day be watching you and their mother or father make mistakes - mistakes at home, mistakes in the car, mistakes, too, with them.  Will it be okay in their little minds that they make mistakes?  Will you be one that will know them beyond their mistakes?  Will it be safe for them?

If you’re ready to make mistakes (at least 18,472 of them) and ready to seek, give, and receive forgiveness, then you’re one step closer to being ready for a great marriage!

So far we have a pretty strong table. We have one that has enough integrity as a tri-pod to hold its own.  A tabletop of ownership with three independently strong legs of love, honesty, and forgiveness working in collective harmony to define and support its function.  However, add just one more leg and any pressure placed on it would be equally distributed.  Just one more leg, and the balance created by all will sustain its integrity of strength. I’ll tell you that fourth leg next week!

Tags: children, family, marriage, relationships by Greg
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"why lie?" by AutumnRedux on Flickr

Last week we approached a word that everyone knows but not everyone completely understand, love. This week, we talk about the third trait you’ll need to make a marriage work: honesty.

I’ve witnessed the demise of too many marriages and other loving relationships caused by the lack trust that honesty creates and maintains. Who was the culprit in those marriages? Fear - fear of conflict, fear of hurting the other, fear of rejection, fear of disappointing, fear of losing the other’s trust or love or respect. Fear.

“I don’t want to make him angry.”

“I don’t know, I think there’d be hell to pay if I told her…”

Honesty, in the spirit of openness and ownership, allows for the understanding on which trust relies. We don’t trust what we don’t understand and we can’t understand without a basis. Is there a greater gift than the trust you can give to your marriage, to that one person you have chosen to know you and to be known by you?

Marriage is a place to share what you’ve done or what you would like to do and why. But, even more than that, marriage is a place to share the deepest parts of ourselves, the darkest corners of our psyche. This special bond between two people encourages complete and total honesty.

We can know a lot by what someone does. To really know and understand each other, however, comes from learning how everyone experiences what it is they have done. Yes, we watched that movie, but it is how that movie affected us that reveals who we are and how we feel about things. How we experienced the movie we just watched or the phone call we just received or the accident we witnessed is what will help our partner understand the uniqueness of who we are. Our morals and values in our individual sense of “right and wrong,” of our fears and wants, or of our biases and judgments. This is the sharing of what we’ve done or what we’ve experienced. But, it’s in the sharing of how it affected us that richly describes who we are. And, in that honest disclosure comes the trusting and bonding of one to another.

“I did…blah, blah, blah…and boy, did it scare me/inspire me/frustrate me.”

Another important element of honesty is trusting that the one we need the most knows us completely.

“When you say, ‘I love you,’ do you really know the ‘you’ that you’re referring to?”

“Can I trust that you do know all that one can know about me and still love me?”

Tags: marriage, relationships by Greg
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We can all agree that truth is the foundation of trust - my trust of you and your trustworthiness to me. And yet, the truth of one another’s experience, of one thing or the other, can typically be the biggest point of contention and source of conflict. So, let’s talk about why and what can be done with this thing called “truth.”

Let’s begin with the acknowledgment that a good relationship embraces multiple truths. A good relationship is not a competition between two people to determine who’s got it right and who’s got it wrong.

The two of you need to decide to make room for four Truths. That’s right, four of them. Each one is valued, respected, understood, and honored. And, even if they differ in their details, one’s truth factor won’t be diminished over the other’s.

The four Truths are Your Truth, Their Truth, the Common Truth, and The Truth (what is actually true and can never be perceived). Let’s walk through them together.

First, there’s what you heard and experienced. This is everything in a context of understanding unique and specific to you. Everything said by you, heard by you, and what it meant to you. This is Your Truth.

Next, there’s everything that was heard and said by the other person and what it meant to them. This meaning might, perhaps, be different than your own. Their reaction to what you said or did is more about what your words meant to them and how your actions were interpreted by them than about what you actually said or did. This is Their Truth.

So far, we’ve got what you said and its intent, (Your Truth), and what the other heard and its meaning to them (Their Truth). Your Truth and Their Truth, one just as valid as the other.

The third Truth, the Common Truth, comprises all those things you both hold to be true: two plus two is four, the world is round, water is wet. These are things you both believe in common - addresses, phone numbers, quirky things about each other (like a fear of spiders or snakes).

Finally, there is The Truth. Whatever that truth happens to be, please leave it out of your relationship. In a loving relationship, it just isn’t important and it has no relevancy. The Truth belongs in the courtroom so leave your pursuit of The Truth out of your relationship. The Truth doesn’t matter because, beyond being truthful, it serves no purpose. Let it go.

The trust you seek from the other will be more readily given when you hold their truth in compassion and understanding. You gain nothing by trying to prove yourself right and them wrong.

Telling someone that boogey men don’t exist does nothing but make them feel alone in believing what they do. We all simply feel the way that we feel and are free to do so. Having another understand how we’re feeling is the biggest gift we can receive. When we’re understood, we feel like we are heard and assured by the other’s understanding and grateful and warm and close and respected and validated.

Our understanding of another’s truth does not require us to make it our own truth. They can be cold while you’re warm. They can be hungry right after you ate. It’s seventy-two degrees but they’d still appreciate a blanket. You both just shared a sandwich but how thoughtful of them to suggest something more they might enjoy snacking on.

Perhaps the one you love feels hurt or disappointed by something you said or did. It doesn’t mean you intended any harm or injury. If anything, their hurt is a compliment to how important you are to them. We feel the most hurt and disappointment from the words and actions of those we hold in greatest importance to us. See the compliment there? If you weren’t as important as you are, your actions wouldn’t then carry the sweet significance they do. It’s okay for you to be disappointed, too.

“Ellen, thank you. I’m disappointed too that traffic made me late and cut into our time together. I love you!”

Isn’t that better than…

“Why do you have to get so upset? It’s not like I meant to piss you off. This is great! Now the while evening’s going to be messed up. Great!”

Your truth, Their truth, Common truth and The truth. You can choose to defend and justify yourself or simply respect another perspective. The choice you make greatly influences the quality of your most important relationship.

You’ll see, I promise.

Tags: marriage, relationships by Greg
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Read part one, Personal Empowerment.
Read part two, Personal and the Grown-Up.

Four siblings, each learning what the other knows about power.  His power, her power, and their power and how it relates to the family, society, pharmacology, emotions, school, accomplishments and finances.

Kurt learned that, beyond anger, he really has no power of his own. Power is a commodity, a commodity earned by his achievements and maintained by being the best. He is anxiously driven to earn what others could give because of their pride or withhold because of their disappointment.

The safety Kurt needs comes with the power only others can give. A “golden boy” dangled from the cliff’s edge by the slender thread held by someone’s approval. The expectations of others that provide Kurt the guidelines for how to live his life were the same expectations that threaten his sister, Kathy’s, sense of independence.

As Kurt defines himself by his compliance to others’ expectations, Kathy’s identity is defined, instead, by her opposition to them, opposition to what she fears can suffocate her spirit and take her identity.  Kathy feels power when she feels freedom from what others think she should be or should do. She craves the freedom to be Kathy rather than the comparative shortcomings of being “Kurt’s sister.”  She wants freedom to control others disappointment on her terms instead of feeling controlled by others’ disappointment of her.

Either way, Kurt and Kathy learned that, when the day is done, others hold the power. As Kurt does all that he could to earn it, Kathy does all that she can to avoid or oppose it. As accomplishments help Kurt fill his emptiness, methamphetamines serve to fill hers.  They areboth driven to the next “fix.”  One with money, the other with drugs, each continuing their pursuit of the personal power that eluded them both.

In the meantime, Sara is in her power; she radiates it. She found “the one.” Eric, a 30-year old aspiring musician, had replaced Jeff, an aspiring general studies major at the local community college. Jeff replaced Alex who was an aspiring something-or-other in the world of cellular phone sales.

Anyway, there’s Eric. A nice guy, for the most part.  He has his own car, an old hatchback.  He moved away from home – actually, he was gently kicked out when Mom and Dad sold the family home to down-size to a two-bedroom condo. Eric, coincidentally (or not), shares the youngest child title with Sara.

Eric and Sara found one another and decided to enter into a committed, monogamous, intimate relationship three weeks ago. As soon as Eric gets hired at the club where they like his “people skills” and want him to do promotions, he’s going to buy Sara an engagement ring. Then, they are going to get a place together. After that, Sara is going to help him win custody of his five-year old son who lives with an ex-girlfriend’s mother somewhere. Sara knows some people who work somewhere that can help them locate where this ex-girlfriend’s mom lives.

Sara is happy with Eric and they really love each another.  His ex-girlfriend – not the one he had a baby with, the last one, Alicia – is a real bitch. So is the one he had a baby with, Janice. Eric is a good guy when he’s on his ADD medicine. Otherwise, he’s an asshole, but he doesn’t mean it.

Sara found her power just as Kurt found his and Kathy found hers. Like her older siblings, Sara’s power comes from beyond her. Sara’s power relies on the potential of every relationship she’s ever had.  What it could be, what it might be, what he could do, what we might be, what we will have when we get married. Then, when we have a baby and can be a family together, that’s when we’ll be happy. That’s when every dream of any potential will be realized.

Where does your power come from? Does it come from you or somewhere else?

Tags: Uncategorized, addiction, positive change, relationships, self-improvement by Greg
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Read part one, Personal Empowerment.

Like many of us, Karen took the lessons she learned about her power with her across the threshold of adulthood. At 26, she established herself as a CPA in her father’s accounting practice.

Her brother, Kurt, had graduated cum laude with a law degree from Harvard. At 30, he was now the “golden boy,” next in line to become a partner at a prestigious Washington D.C. law firm. Kurt could feel the power that others awarded him.

He admitted to Karen, however, that, “I feel a lot like one of those porcelain statuettes, something you’d put on the mantle. It’s perfect in every detail, not a speck of dust anywhere on it. But pick it up and turn it upside-down and what do you see? A big hole and a whole lot of empty. That’s me. Everything looks good, but Karen, I feel so empty. Everyone needs me to be this guy I’m not.”

From the time he could remember, the power Kurt felt was the power that his accomplishments delivered to him. Without them, he felt fraudulent and powerless, undeserving of the love and position others professed to him.

Kathy, on the other hand, had been estranged from Kurt, her sister, Karen, and their parents, particularly her mom, for years. If Kathy survived long enough to turn thirty, her birthday party would likely be catered by the next in-patient drug treatment center.

That would be the third one if you included the horse ranch/school/treatment program rolled into one. It had given the family an overdue respite for the seven months she was gone sometime around her mid-teens. The battles between Kathy and her parents were relentless. Kathy had become accustomed to a life of free-floating anxiety; she was always waiting for the next inevitable “it” to happen.

Kurt got through this time by removing himself from the chaos through a demanding schedule of workouts, practices, games, debate team meetings, homework, and the duties involved with being associated student body president. Kurt had made up for the powerlessness he experienced inside the home with a powerful representation of his family’s apparent success to the outside community.

But, no matter how accomplished Kurt’s efforts were, he felt none of the power everyone assumed he had. The closest thing to power Kurt ever felt came from the occasional bursts of anger that would bellow out of the emptiness, an emptiness that contributed to the frustration of his powerlessness. The power that anger offered would be completely extinguished by the sickening pangs of shame that, following Kurt’s achievements, would distract from and compensate for the shame that drove his self-criticism.

Achievement was the drug of choice for Kurt that promised a sense of fulfillment no different than methamphetamine’s promise to Kathy.

No different than what Karen’s bulimia promised her.

No different than the promises of fulfillment that countless short-lived relationships would be to the youngest of the family, Sara.

Tags: children, family, relationships by Greg
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25 years of private practice family and marriage counseling has uncovered some fairly universal and consistent truths about people. One such truism, pertaining to interpersonal relationships, has to do with expectations. Expectations of what one thinks that the other should be or do that the other isn’t and doesn’t is at the root of most failed relationships. The arguments and sniping are endless and the depth of discord is bottomless. Each feeling rejected and disrespected in who they are. Replaced, instead, with who they “should be,” with what they “should have done” if they were “really loving,” “really caring,” “really as supportive” as they claimed to be.

Turning this around requires that each make a commitment to let go of what the other “should” anything. Assumptions of one another must be replaced with the understanding of what their true nature is - forgetful nature or preoccupied nature or stressed and overwhelmed nature. To work with that nature, in the spirit of support, towards getting needs met becomes the short-term goal; using the support of the other and the marriage towards improving, remedying or changing one’s nature, for the better, becomes the long-term goal.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. The expectation sounds like:

“You know something, Charlie? I find it interesting that when something is important to you, you sure don’t forget that, do you? Obviously, Charlie, I don’t matter enough to you for you to remember what’s important to me.”

The shift sounds like:

“Honey, if you don’t write it down, you’ll forget it. Here’s a pad and pen.”

Long-term sounds like:

“Barb, hang on a second. I want to grab a pen and put that on my list of things to do.”

Charlie and Barbara are continuing to let go of expectations. They damaged the trust and closeness their relationship would have had otherwise by setting up the other to prove their love, prove their care, prove what instead needed to be trusted.

Your relationship will grow in its closeness, mutual sense of trust, and affection shown to one another following your decision to eliminate any expectations of what your partner should be or do. In place of that, you will understand and express all that you know of how they show their love of you.

First, begin with the acknowledgment of what already is. In time, and in the spirit of understanding and support, introduce them to what you want and need. It doesn’t matter what you “should” do, what he “should” do, she “should” do, they “should” do - none of that matters. There are two people and two natures that love one another. Acknowledge the nature, help that nature to grow, and learn how to become someone who is proud of who they are. It will be better than any expectation could ever wish to be. I promise.

Tags: family, marriage, relationships by Greg
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